How to talk to your parents about driving Eugene-Springfield, Oregon

“I’m not sure where I am, and I don’t know how to get back home.” This was the phone call Sheila got one afternoon from her mom.
“We had some concerns about my mom’s ability to drive, but we knew that taking her car keys away will change her life, and ours too. She was such an independent woman, driving by herself to the coast or to Portland to visit her friends. But as we noticed that her memory was slowly declining, we started to worry about her safety on the road. In all honesty, we dreaded the conversation about driving because we knew she would get upset and fight back. I know we should have done something earlier, and it was only a miracle that she didn’t have an accident, but when she called me that day, and I could tell she was on the verge of crying, I felt such a relief because I thought this would make our job easier.”
But it didn’t, and this is why Sheila asked for my help with the very common and painful issue of how to talk to a parent (or a spouse) about driving.

Interesting statistics

• More than 41 million drivers over the age of 65 are on the roads today, and crash injuries sent more than 290,000 older adults to the emergency room in 2016.
• In 2016, 18% of all traffic fatalities were among people age 65 and older.
• Fatal crash rates increase at age 75 and rise sharply after age 80 due to increased risk of injury and medical complications, rather than an increase in the tendency to get into crashes.
• Older drivers are more likely to be involved in crashes at intersections, where typically the older adult driver turns against oncoming traffic with right of way on the main road.
• The good news: elderly drivers make up for their physical disadvantage through their driving experience. And, they are “under-represented” in crashes involving loss of control or collisions due to speeding, risky overtaking or driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Driving is not just about driving

When we get a driver’s license, it’s considered a big part of becoming an adult, so losing our driver’s license feels like the opposite of that. The ability to drive gives us the ability to be a responsible adult: to get to work or school, take our kids to after-school activities, go on vacations, visit friends, and so many other activities that we take for granted as they give us the freedom to be independent.

Before you start a conversation with your mom, you need to take a moment to put yourself in her shoes. This was my first piece of advice to Sheila.
“Think about the times your car was in the repair shop for only a few hours and how it affects you,” I asked Sheila. “Did you need to take the day off work? Ask for someone to give you a ride? Skip your workout at the gym? Now, can you imagine not having a car AT ALL?”
“I don’t know about you,” I added, “but I get anxious just from the thought of not having a car for one day.”
With our kids, we can simply put our foot down: “You’re not getting the car key because …. You had poor grades/ you left the car dirty last time you used it/ you got a speeding ticket.”
We can’t do the same with our parents and treat them like children. In their case, we need to remember that they are adults who, for many years, made many decisions about their own lives (and yours). As the adult children of our parents, we can’t tell them what to do, even if it’s for their own best interest.

Understanding the implications of not driving

To help Sheila get into her mother’s shoes, I pointed out what her mother’s life may look like without the ability to drive.
• She won’t be able to go by herself to the grocery store, the pharmacy, or the doctor’s office.
• Since some of her friends are no longer driving, she’ll have fewer opportunities to get together with them. This may result in social isolation and depression.
And, I told Sheila, did you know that social isolation affects people’s health just as if they had smoked 15 cigarettes a day?
• She won’t be able to go to church, the library, or the movie theater, which will affect her spiritual and leisure life.
Now that Sheila got a better feel of what it meant for her mom to give up driving, I could talk with her about how to address this issue with her mom.

Let’s talk driving: Early conversation

The conversation about driving (just like those about money and senior living options) should not wait until an accident happens or until you get a call like the one Sheila got from her mom.
When should you have the conversation? There is no specific best time, but it’s better to have it before your parent starts showing any signs of decline either in their cognition or physical ability. Choose a time when your parent is in a good mood, and you’re not in a hurry.
A good way to open a conversation could be: “Mom, do you ever think about what you would do if you had to stop driving?” The answer you get might vary between “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there” (complete denial or fear of thinking about this issue) to “that’s a good question” (and be followed by some ideas that mom may have). This way, you keep the power in your parent’s hands and let them come up with ideas for solutions.

Another way to start a conversation is to use an incident such as a small accident that happened to your parent, one of their friends, or to someone you know. In this case, you might say, “Dad, I was relieved that the fender bender you had caused only minor damage to your car, but I’m worried…. What if this was a more serious accident?”
This way, you don’t tell the parent that he needs to stop driving because he can get injured, but that you worry about him getting injured. And that followed by giving him the power to come up with ideas.
Add your own ideas: your parent may not want to be a burden on you, but if you say “You know, if you had to stop driving, I can take you grocery shopping when I go to the grocery store” or “We can have your medications delivered to my pharmacy, and I can pick them up for you when I pick up mine.” This way, you show your parent that you are more than happy to be a part of the solution, and it doesn’t add a burden to your schedule.
If the parent resists the conversation, let it go and don’t push it. Wait for another appropriate time to bring it up. It may take more than once or twice before you get them engaged and open to start thinking about this sensitive topic.

What if we’ve passed the “early conversation” stage?

If your parent is driving when it’s clear it’s getting to be not safe for her to drive, you can start the conversation with “I noticed that… you drive very slow/ you weren’t sure where to turn/ you asked me again for directions… and I am worried that… you may hit another driver/ get lost/ get hurt”. And then you follow with a question such as “Do you feel it’s safe for you to drive?” or “Do you feel confident when you drive?”. Again, the idea is to give the parent as much control as possible to make the decision by themselves.

What to do with a stubborn parent?

There will always be those who, no matter what you try, will resist the conversation and will hang on to the cars key as if their life depends on it (which in many ways, it does). If it’s absolutely clear that your parent should stop driving, you have some options:

• Talk to her doctor. Sometimes they will listen to the doctor and, if not, the doctor will report to the DMV. This way, you’re not “the bad person who took her keys away.”
• You can report to the DMV, and they’ll be required to pass a driving test.
• Ask for a driving evaluation by a certified clinician (usually an Occupational Therapist) to determine if they are safe to drive.
• Hide the keys or replace them with identical, but different, keys.
• Disconnect the battery or plugs in the engine.
No matter what is being done to force your parent to stop driving, make sure you have alternative plans in place: sign them up for Ride Source (discounted rides through our local bus services), offer your help, connect them with friends that are still driving, ask for help through their faith organization, ask for the help of other family members.

Sheila’s mom

As for Sheila’s mom, she got so shaken by her experience of getting lost, that when Sheila asked her what she thinks about driving, she said that she was afraid of getting lost again.
Sheila, following my advice, came up with ideas for ways to ensure her mom’s life would not change just because she can’t drive anymore. With the help of other family members and her mom’s church members, she was able to assure her mom she won’t be stranded at home.
Sheila’s son also got his driver’s license a few months earlier, and his grandmother decided to give him her car as a gift. Sheila told me that the smile on her mother’s face when she saw her grandson’s reaction to her gift was proof that making this painful decision had some good outcome to it.

Not sure how to start the conversation about driving with your parent or your spouse? Let us help you navigate through this challenging issue (and others). We’re available for your questions and thoughts at any time of the day and week and aim to get back to you within two hours.