Family Dynamics: Caring for an Aging Parent Eugene-Springfield, Oregon

Don’s mom lived one block from his home while his brother, Will, lived two and a half hours away. When their mom started showing signs of dementia, Don assumed the responsibility of helping with her care. He hired a caregiver and visited his mom daily, attending to some of the chores around the house, driving her to medical appointments, and keeping her company. But Don had some medical problems of his own. When he learned that he needed back surgery, he realized that he wouldn’t be able to continue to care for his mom. He called me to help him find memory care for her.
I quickly learned that the two brothers had a complicated relationship, and they had different opinions about the future care of their mom.

Who Runs The Show?

As parents, our role is to take care of our children. As we age, a time may come that we need the help of our adult children. While it makes sense that our children would share the load equally, in reality it isn’t so simple. Many factors contribute to this inequality:
• Gender: Daughters, rather than sons, are more likely to step in as the main caregivers.
• Age: Older children may feel more responsible than younger ones.
• Finances: Some children would rather contribute with money than with time.
• Proximity: Children who live closer tend to be more involved with hands-on.
• History: The relationship of each child to their parent and siblings affects how much they get involved as a caregiver.

Given all these situational variables, we can see how family dynamics, not what is best for the parent, is often what runs the show.
What should you do if you find yourself in a similar situation with your family?
Communication, Communication, Communication
To successfully find the best solutions for your parent’s care needs, you must open good communication channels between all family members who are willing to be part of the care team.
In most families, there is one adult child who assumes the role of primary caregiver. It may be the daughter, the older child, or the one who has the best relationship with the parent. If you are this person, remember what’s important: your parent’s best interest.

Ways to maintain healthy communication:

• Show understanding: Don’t judge another’s point of view.
• Ask: Inquire about your family’s capabilities, rather than telling them what to do.
• Be kind: Everyone brings their past relationship to the table, and adjusting to this new reality can be difficult.
• Be clear: Know your parent’s care needs and what kind of help you need to ask for (hands-on, emotional, financial).
• Share: Don’t keep it all to yourself. Share your thoughts, ideas, and concerns with your family, and be open to their suggestions.
• Write it down: Taking notes during family conversations allows you to keep track of who said what. When emotions run high among family members, you can review what’s been agreed upon and take your time to think before you respond. Use email for communication to help you gather your thoughts and avoid emotional response.

Find the Role that Fits You Best

It’s best to recognize your abilities and limitations. Be clear about what you can and cannot do.
If you don’t feel comfortable helping your parent with showering, you can help with grocery shopping and driving to medical appointments. If you don’t live nearby, you can provide emotional support through daily or weekly phone calls. If you have a busy schedule, you may be able to set aside time on the weekend for a needed chore.
If you create a care plan, it’s easier to identify the best role for each person involved.

Keep the Future in Mind

Sharing the responsibility of caring for an aging parent can challenge relationships between family members. But it’s important to always strive to stay on good terms because you never know what the future holds. Maybe one day you’ll find yourself needing the help of your siblings or other family members. You don’t want to alienate them by arguing over care responsibilities

As Don’s mom’s condition continues to decline, I realized that it was essential to help the brothers overcome their differences. Once I was able to show them precisely how working together would make everyone’s life easier, it became much simpler to find the best care solution for their mom.