The Survival of The Sandwich Generation Eugene-Springfield, Oregon

Dear Diary
6:30 am woke up, showered, packed yesterday’s leftovers for my lunch at work. Gave Sally money for this week’s lunches (good thing lunch boxes are no longer cool when you’re in high school)
7:30 am took Sally to school and went to work. Made a mental note to call Rebecca from the parents’ council about the fundraising for Sally’s school
12:15 pm lunch break. Went to the pharmacy to pick up Mom’s medications, stopped at Target to buy her a new nightgown and got back to the office in time for the 1:30 meeting
4:30 pm left the office and went to the grocery store to buy food for Mom
5:15 pm brought the groceries to Mom and asked her about the pain in her toe. She is still in pain so I made another mental note to call her doctor’s office tomorrow for an appointment
6:00 pm good thing Mom’s home is only fifteen minutes from my home. I made a quick dinner for Sally and Jim and I am off to the 7:30 Zumba class at the gym. I couldn’t miss it after already missing two weeks when Mom was in the hospital
8:45 pm back from class just in time to watch my favorite TV show
9:00 pm got a call from Mom asking me where her medications are; she needed a pain pill. Damn, I picked up her meds, but I left them in my car
9:35pm I drove to Mom’s to give her the pain meds
10:10 pm Shoot! I forgot to call Rebecca about the school’s fundraising, probably too late by now. I should apologize to Sally and promise to make the call tomorrow
10:30 pm I fell asleep in front of the TV
A new day will start tomorrow: work, kids, Mom, Zumba class….

Are you in the middle of the sandwich?
If this sounds familiar as it describes your average day between your life, the life of your kids, and the life of your parents, consider yourself, officially, part of the Sandwich Generation.
The Sandwich Generation is such a growing phenomenon that it even has a definition in the dictionary and Wikipedia.

The two “slices” of my own sandwich, my boys and my parents

What characterizes the Sandwich Generation is the stress of being pulled into too many different directions: your own life where you need to go to work, run a household and have some fun time is the middle of the “sandwich”. Your role as a parent, where you either still take care of minor kids at home, have financial responsibility for kids in college or even being a grandparent is on one side of it. And, your role as an adult child of your aging parents who rely on you for any, small or large, chores: from changing a light bulb, to preparing meals, taking them to medical appointments or helping them with a shower twice a week, is on the other side of your life.

How to keep the sandwich from eating you alive
When I’m asked about the best way to juggle between all of these “jobs”, as it can easily turn into three full times jobs, there is no one right answer that fits all. Here are a few ideas that you might find helpful in decreasing the stress you’re experiencing.
• Identify the care needs of your parents. Ask your parents what kind of help they need and make a list, as well as all the things you’ve already been doing for them.
• Identify which tasks in your life you must do (your job, going to parent-teacher conferences at school, taking your parents to medical appointments) and what can be done by others (helping with weekly showers, preparing food, fixing a broken toilet).
• If there are other family members involved, mainly other siblings, get together and find out what each one of you can do to help your parents. If you’re the only caregiver for your parents, ‘others’ can be paid help, your parents’ friends or even their church/ synagogue members.
• Although not always easy, you may need to have a conversation with your parents about their finances in order to figure out how much they can afford to pay for hired help. Check with other family members to see if they’re able to help with any financial burden if need be.
• If you’re the only person involved in your parents’ care and all of the responsibility falls on your shoulders, you need to prioritize your responsibilities and tasks.
• If you identify that you cannot do it all, you should remember that ‘taking care of your parents’ doesn’t mean you have to do it all. It may mean that either paid help needs to be involved to allow them to stay living safely at home, or that the conversation about alternative senior living options may need to take place.

• As you become your parents’ caregiver, it is easy to forget that they are your parents and you are their child. By sharing the care responsibilities with others, you free yourself to have a parent-child relationship, instead of aging people-caregiver relationship.
• Get your kids involved: have them visit their grandparents to ease isolation, help with small household chores etc. They will learn to appreciate what you do for them and for their grandparents.

Dear Diary
6:30 am woke up, showered, packed yesterday’s leftovers for my lunch at work. Gave Sally money for this week’s lunches.
8:00 am took Sally to school and went to work. Made a mental note to call Rebecca from the parents’ council about the fundraising for Sally’s school
12:15 pm lunch break. It is so nice to be able to have a quiet lunch with my friends at work, because I know Mom’s caregiver is buying her groceries, picking up her medications from the pharmacy, and cooking food that will last for the next four days. I was so much more relaxed and prepared for our 1:30 staff meeting
4:30 pm left the office, went to Target to get Mom a new nightgown and stopped at Mom’s to drop it off and have a cup of coffee with her
5:45 pm got home, cooked dinner, and called Rebecca to get the information about the fundraising event at Sally’s school to see how I could help
7:30 pm went to Zumba class at the gym. I couldn’t miss the class after missing two weeks of classes when Mom was in the hospital
8:45 pm took a quick shower and watched my favorite TV show
10:30 pm went to bed
A new day will start tomorrow: work, kids, my mom, Zumba class….